I beg for feedback

This is a REALLY important project for me, as it showcases my sound design skills and I can show off that I can build microphones as well :)

It goes in my portfolio and I want it to be GREAT. Give me any feedback on the audio AND the video. Should I add voiceover? Should I cut out anything? Does it sound bad? I don’t really like the result overall, sounds too bassy for me, but I referenced the original - and they have a lot of bass as well. Is it a way to go?

Any feedback will help

Please and thank you and good luck everyone with today’s audio challenge, I didn’t start yet, will do it right now :)